Smoothy Slim
Smoothy Slim
Photo: Ketut Subiyanto
Most important: Laxative teas are not magic. While they should start kicking in within six to eight hours, if, like me, you ate your body weight in fast food hoping for a get-out-of-jail-free card, it may take a few hours longer to feel relief. Do not double (or triple) up as you lie in wait.
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This effective juice jolts the metabolism, boosts energy and burns fat all day.
Learn More »The problem with clichés isn’t just that they’re lazy, it’s that we tend to forget the original meaning. Dumpster fires have become such a common refrain, I fear a nation of amateur firemen wouldn’t know what to do if their cubicle trashcan lit aflame; drinking the Kool-Aid, when you think about it, doesn’t sound half bad. But of all my oft-used, under-thought clichés, one I never expected to directly confront was “shitting the bed.” Or, in this case, “shitting the leather seat of an airplane in the middle of first class.” For the first 28 years of my life, I was able to excavate my bowels like clockwork. But somewhere around the time Chipotle started offering a burrito-rewards program, my body began retaliating. Things got … slower. Having only ever referred to constipation as a punch line, I first devoted lucrative amounts of time trying to convince my gynecologist I had stomach cancer. Too young to die, too proud to take Metamucil, I instead turned to the earthbound gaia’s designated cure-all: laxative teas. While the Kardashians and lesser reality stars have made detox teas like Fit Tee and Bootea the celebrity shill du jour, herbal laxative teas have been kicking around the wellness aisles for far longer, intended primarily for clogged pipes rather than meaningful weight loss. The most common laxative teas contain copious amounts of senna root, which works along the same general principles of toothpaste management: The sennosides irritate your colon just enough to get it contracting again to squeeze the, er, backlog out. Though laxative teas do help you drop a few immediate pounds, the actual “detox” aspects are murky at best; all you’re losing from your small intestine is undigested water and oil — the dreaded “water weight.” The rest of your toxins have been long absorbed before they even reach the small intestine. But, like me, if all you want is to dislodge a bullet, a senna-tea-induced muscle spasm is a fairly safe bet.
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This effective juice jolts the metabolism, boosts energy and burns fat all day.
Learn More »Undeterred, I moved on to a mint-scented “gentle laxative” the following night that promised to help me Get Regular. While it had only 1,010 milligrams of senna, it did boast over 1,100 milligrams of herbs my mother often overloads in Indian food — coriander root, star anise, cinnamon bark — Asia’s purest diuretic. Once again, the wait was for naught; the following morning’s results were even less offensive than the night prior, and the dull ache in my lower abs (fine, upper vag) was still present. A utilitarian third box promised the no-nonsense toughness that my earlier two teas had largely sidestepped. Touting an “ancient Chinese-American recipe” from California, it assured me that both my physical and mental well-being would be significantly enhanced by its faux-mystical healing properties. This time, I went all in, ordering not one but two extra-spicy dishes of rogan josh from the local Indian place. I set up camp in the bathroom. I refused to give into the shining pink beacon of Pepto-Bismol on my bathroom counter. And, once again, another day, another drought. While the rational explanation might be that it was stomach cancer after all, I persevered, deciding that if one bag was mildly effective, all three types of tea combined must be triply effective. As for the pesky issue of having to drink 24 ounces of water before bed? No problem; I just steeped all three bags in one cup. Somehow I had no idea that tea gets stronger the longer you leave it in water, so I recklessly steeped them for an unsanctioned 45 minutes. Finally, after four cups of tea in as many nights, I was rewarded with a colon-emptying so thorough I was sure I’d never need to go to the bathroom again. I texted every holistic friend I had to alert them that I had achieved the Serena Slam of shitting.
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Physical activity is one of the best ways to keep weight off long-term. Exercise is another great way to maintain your desired weight after a juice...
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This effective juice jolts the metabolism, boosts energy and burns fat all day.
Learn More »You would think that the humiliation of crapping my bikini briefs would put me off laxative teas forever, but after two weeks and untold amounts of fried food, I am still completely Regular — a joy so all-encompassing I’d drink three cups of Smooth Move tea a day to keep it going. Still, I’ve learned a few things. Most important: Laxative teas are not magic. While they should start kicking in within six to eight hours, if, like me, you ate your body weight in fast food hoping for a get-out-of-jail-free card, it may take a few hours longer to feel relief. Do not double (or triple) up as you lie in wait. Smooth Move tea has become my go-to if I feel slightly bloated; it tends to work the quickest, and most consistently, with only a minimal amount of “will I make it to the bathroom in time” guesswork. Yogi’s Get Regular tea is fine if I’m a little gassy, but isn’t nearly as effective against any real stomach pain. I steer clear of the utilitarian Herbal Laxative Tea unless the situation is particularly untenable, or I’ve eaten Indian food from the taco truck near my apartment, because one strongly brewed cup is enough to keep you sleeping in the bathroom for a day and a half. (As for the weight loss, I did shed a couple of pounds, but only for a day or two.) Given the lengthy half-life the teas tend to require, they haven’t become part of my daily repertoire just yet. But if I’m properly backed-up, in spitting distance of a pair of sweatpants, and nowhere near an airplane lavatory? There’s a good chance that one — and only one — cup of Smooth Move tea is that night’s digestif.
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This effective juice jolts the metabolism, boosts energy and burns fat all day.
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Made into a potent powdered supplement blended right into water or your favorite beverage to be appreciated as a scrumptious morning smoothy.
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